Happy mother's day?

Cleon



Hey love...yes I am talking to you. Happy Mother's day. Our kids are still too young to understand the value of a mother. She is not a father...or whatever that role entails. They are attracted to the one that gave birth to them first and for most. No man (except Arnold in Twins) can understand what it means carrying a life inside you.

You do. Not only that, you carried my children. Those two amazing blessings that we tell each day we love to the moon and back with no reservation because they are the epitome of what we dreamed up while we were playing "poppehuisie".En ja ek het ook poppehuisie gespeel..

I also dreamt of having the most perfect kids, Together we got a pigeon pair. You know how rare that is? I can actually do the math but would hate to geek you out but we did! (Spoiler alert it was 50/50)

Right here is where I gain my faith; not in a higher power but in that one person who shows me that having faith works. By being as real as you are I can only aspire to be half that.

What I am trying to say is that, although you are not my mother(especially not on this day) all of the weight that I am too reluctant to carry. You do, and you make it seem effortless. So much so that you borrow you service out to others. (I am talking about Zama, and anyone that needs you, that you are there for) I would love to be half the person you are.

To the end of existence your are what I aspire to be. With all that is me, I love you, our kids love you.

You are a great mother with no comparison, no rule book, you allow you heart to guide you and if your heart is based on faith I am glad your faith led you to me.

Serendipity; what must be will be will be. We may never understand it but I gladly accept that you are my wife and the mother to my children. If I never say I appreciate you and all you do for us then here it is.

Immortalized forever.

Game boy!

I love gaming. It has always been the one true constant in my life. At times a passion, at times an obsession but always a means of escape through entertainment. I have been a gamer since as far back as I can remember.

My first introduction to gaming was on a system like the pictures below. I cannot specifically recall the brand but it was highly similar to the Atari consoles below. My uncle had a friend who owned this console and would often borrow it for us to play and the simplicity of the games were actually highly addictive. I vividly recall a Pong-like game that was just two white paddles on a black screen with each player controlling a paddle with a nob to move it up and down with the aim to try and hit a white pixel past the other player's paddle for points. There was not much variation except for a few options to increase the speed to further test player reflexes. Simple as it was it kept me entertained for days and so my gaming passion started.

Few years later my other uncle introduced me to my first interaction with a computer. I was too young to understand at the time the capabilities of the contraption I was actually dealing with but I could play games on it and that was all that mattered to me. Chess fast became a favourite and in time he got copies of Golden Axe which blew my tiny mind. Think I was about 7 or 8 at the time. I remember being a nag about it and would often visit his room in the backyard to hassle him to put it on for me. In the beginning I never truly bothered to learn how to install or play the games on his many floppy and stiffy disks and was actually careful not to break anything as it seemed all too complex with the typing of commands and green text that appeared daunting to my naive and frankly nonchalant mind as long as he was around. One time curiosity did get the better of me and I attempted boot it up on my own when he left it unattended. Long story short I for the life of me do not know what I did but apparently I did "break" it and got quite a memorable scolding as result.

 

During the same time my grandfather used to own a shop where he had a few arcade games such as Miss Pacman, Dig Dug and my favourite at the time Kung Fu Master, or as we dubbed it "Wa-dah" after the sound the lead character made when he would kick an enemy off the 2-D side scroll platform. A simple plot for Thomas who only seeked to free his love interest Sylvia who was captured by the villainous Mr X for reasons unspecified, with his very limited but effective range of karate moves. See below

I shall stop here for now and make this a multi-part post as I continue to reminisce about my gaming journey up until present day. 

On feeling "broken".

Hey guys.

Been a while and a lot has happened but for this post I would like to focus on "feeling broken". I use this term for now to generalize the feelings of uncertainty, uselessness and indifference that often leads to anxiety, isolation and in most cases depression. Of course no person is "broken" and we are all special and unique in our own way but in the shoes of someone who often finds them self filled with doubt and uncertainty, by comparison we do tend to feel less functional as individuals, but let me elaborate.

My dear son Riley has recently been diagnosed with acute ADHD, which we as parents did not just accept at first glance and run with. We made sure to educate ourselves and get more than one professional opinion. We hesitated for about a year to put him on medication and we went through due process with diligence and a healthy dash of scrutiny. All stemming from complaints at school about disruptive behavior during class and a general lack of attention even thou his marks were not reflective of this at all. Digging deeper we found that many of his symptoms do correspond with classic ADHD cases and his behavior at home was also reflective of this.

We tend to be very supportive parents and try to create a home environment of stability, nurturing and individual expression. Emphasis on try, no guidelines can prepare any parent to succeed A plus. In an ever changing world, what might have worked in the past could fail miserably today. All that can happen is for us to try and be progressive and keep an open mind. Fortunately for us we have all the resources and make use of every accessible option at our disposal.

4 key symptoms of ADHD include:
-Inattentiveness
-Hyperactivity
-Impulsivity
-Distractibillity

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/key-symptoms-signs-adhd

Take note that these are just a few symptoms and professional diagnosis is needed to ascertain if any child or adult has ADHD. I have also found many helpful articles and videos on the subject which are easily available on the internet and Youtube during my research and will leave some links below.

With that being said the more we looked into my son and ADHD, the more I started to reflect on my own behavior and have always seen myself in him. Forgetful, easily distracted, lack of attention if not personally interested and general lack of content. Research also suggests that ADHD is a hereditary condition predominantly passed along from the male side. This began to make me question weither I too may have had a similar condition only to be left undiagnosed all these years. My incessant fidgeting, restlessness, constant boredom and general lack of interest in anything that did not interest me seems to make sense now. Thou this is pure speculation at this stage. I have been consulting with a few professional practitioners and have yet to be formerly assessed but this brings me to the feeling of brokenness.

Having never truly been able to commit to a single hobby, interest or even relationship for long periods of time it certainly would explain my feelings of inadequacy and alienation. Albeit on the outside it appears I am well-adjusted and can navigate life. (This is mostly thankful to my wife who bares most of the burdens in our household of adulthood with grace and passion.) Deep inside has always been a hurricane of turmoil, guilt, judgement, blame and doubt, that ultimately, by comparison has left me feeling like a broken person. History of substance abuse, anxiety and mild depression has at times led me to isolation and reclusiveness. I have reached a point where I am tired of being tired. There has to be a reason for me being this way. At this point I am not running with ADHD, it is by no means up to me to say but it does answer so many questions.

Point being that blind acceptance of ones flaws and faults, especially within comparison to others could be fatal. Practice diligence and be open to the notions that everything has a logical and often medical explanation. The child who will not stop talking, jumping, running and daydreaming is after all not just naughty or needs discipline. Adults who seem fidgety, undecided, chaotic, untidy and generally muddled are not always "broken". Not saying anyone needs fixing either, like a puzzle piece we just need to have our dimensions examined carefully and find our own place in the bigger scheme of things. We do fit, we just cannot be forced to fit into anyone else's picture but our own.

I will try to update on progress in due time and actually have a backlog of things I have been meaning to share. Thank you for reading for now thou and do feel free to let me know what your thoughts are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiwZQNYlGQI&index=2&t=0s&list=LLNk3R3LBl96au7c0Ksa7XLA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU6o2_UFSEY&index=1&t=0s&list=LLNk3R3LBl96au7c0Ksa7XLA

A moment of appreciation

Cleon.

My Wife.

My Love.

The center of all that I have become.

What would my blog be without a vote of thanks to the one who never gives up on me.

Our story may not be a fairytale but each moment with you is a dream come true. I may not be the most religious person but I prayed for you and God delivered.
Your faith makes up for my lack thereof and it serves as a constant reminder that we never need to be lonely and in that regard I am abundantly blessed to have you as my life partner.You do more for me than is expected from any person and I have never felt a selfless love like you grant me. Your drive, your passion and your lust for life gives me a much needed wake up when all I want to do is creep in a cave and never see the sun again.
Our complementing personalities make for few dull moments. I see no flaws in you, even though you see many in yourself. What you see as flaws are just what makes you unique and enhance your identity, without them you would not be the identifiable personality that brings joy to so many.
I have to admit, I was late to fall in love with you. My broken trust in people made me blind to what you had to offer. I rejected you because I could not trust myself enough to let you in for fear of hurt and betrayal.
This was never fair on you and for that I am sorry.
I have begun to realise thou that as time went on my guards fell and I have gained a newfound freedom that can only be attributed to your selflessness and refusal to give up on me.
For that I am eternally grateful.
For the first time it feels like my life is finally coming together and a calming clarity has been found in your embrace.

I am jealous of our kids yes. They took a piece of you from me that I enjoyed and savoured while they were not around and how could I not be? You made me the center of your world and we adventured as an unstoppable force. I do feel like a rug has been swept out from under me.
Although I at times yearn for those days, I am filled with nothing but gratitude and awe at seeing you gift them with that same endearment that you once showered me with. That is when I realise it is their time now. We will have many more moments together in our lifetime, till death us do part but they need you most now. The love and attention you gift them is beyond a fail for a word, perfect.
I have always been a skeptic of love, seeing relationships as nothing more than a way to not feel lonely from time to time, shying away from the intricacies of commitment and fearing the monotony of monogamy.
You changed me, healed me and accepted me for who I am.
I owe you my life and would gladly trade my everything to see that beautiful smile of yours each day forever more.

I love you too much.

Part-time passions

As described in my previous post I have always been a fan of comedy. My family is huge and quite a few of my uncles and aunts are some of the funniest people I knew growing up. Laughing is the best way to spend life from one moment to the next and I grew up with a natural craving to make others laugh. I would not consider myself a naturally gifted comedian who can make others laugh with just a weird facial expression or gesture, for me it is a means of connecting with people. If you can find out what they find funny, you immediately connect with them on their level. It is a bond that profits everyone involved.

With that being said, about 8 weeks ago I saw an ad for a vacancy to join an improv team in my local city. I loooove Whose Line Is It Anyway? the tv show, and rewatch episodes regularly, always admiring the performers wit and imagining myself as a part of the crew or at the very least a guest artist. Improv as an art is intimidating to most, even veteran entertainers, who would rather hide behind the veil of a script than lay themselves bare to on the spot spontaneity. Within this lies the appeal for me; I am terrified of repetition, mundane continuity and would bore easily if something I find passionate becomes a redundant job. With improv one never knows what will happen and every performance is as different as the next. Takes me back to my days as a waiter where the appeal was meeting new people everyday. Unfortunately as a waiter you do kind of become biased and the longer you do it the more you are able to read people and place them into certain categories to make dealings with them more predictable and ultimately profitable.

I decided to take a chance on chance. Having performed in quite a few stage productions at school during my high school years, including an invitation to the Graaff Reinet Heritage festival in 1999 and the odd MC gig at family functions, I had the basics of stage performance grounded. I took to it like a fish in water (even if I do say so myself). Many commended me on my courage to do improv comedy but to me it felt like an itch I could finally scratch.

There is a certain high that comes with being an entertainer, a metaphorical drug, that once it hits is hard to let go off. Audience approval becomes a staple. Performing becomes a means of therapy and more so improvisation; as most of what you come up with is a true glimpse of who you are deep inside. A mutual understanding between you and the audience; that I desire to make you laugh for just this moment and you as an audience desire to be made to laugh.

The @WhoselinePE crew perform at a venue called The Bru Bar every Tuesday night and I have been fortunate enough to become a guest artist for this, the 6th week running. I have received mostly positive reviews but to me it is all about being in an environment of like-minded people who live for the art of comedy and learning as much as I can about the industry while I am there. The recognition of the audience is but the cherry on the cake. To me it is about doing something I respect, admire and enjoy. At this point I am uncertain what the future holds, I still have my full time job, family and education to complete but for now I take it one performance a at a time, as invited to and am just grateful for the opportunity to live out a lifelong dream of mine.

9 to 5 work sometimes kills the flame inside me but recently I can feel a new heat rising.
Watch this space as there have been talks of open mic nights coming up. Compared to improv, stand up is a whole different ball game. A challenge I would gladly embrace but for now, I play where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

Funny side of life

I like making people laugh, and sometimes even on purpose. Humour is a unifying tool with many purposes and now more than ever, our world look to comedians as the speakers of truth. A truth that can be hard to swallow but coming from guys like John Oliver and Trevor Noah(my top two since Leno and Stewart 'retired') make it easier to stomach. Its like when as a kid our mom's would make us eat food we never liked by pretending the spoon is a plane and make it fly into our mouths as the only way to get us to eat. That is what it has come down to.

I have always admired and respected comedians for what they do, no disrespect to doctors, lawyers or engineers and such it's just that like I said, dad buys the food we need but needs mom to make sure we take it in. As much as what they do is important there is a mindset of doubt and disbelief, a scattering of ideologies across the globe but one resounding sound that can bring it all together. 

Laughter.

Comedians are the translators of truths into a medium we are willing to accept. The best of them take what the world dishes out and shapes it into a perspective we can relate to and beyond that, a perspective we can work with. The Louis CK's, the Chris Rock's, The George Carlin's of the comedy industry give us a thought we can take home in a brilliantly wrapped package of humour and glee. Thoughts that may pass us in our daily lives that need to be put out there but like a plate of broccoli to a child may be overlooked unless accompanied with aeroplane noises.

The best forms of art is a reflection of reality from a different perspective. Through the exaggerated, surreal and often abstract, the truth of reality can be experienced and for a moment or more, better understood.   

Agnostic me.

I was raised predominantly christian. I used to love sunday school and encourage my kids to attend as often as possible. I do believe in giving them a solid religious foundation. They can decide for themselves later in life.
In faith there is hope, security and a sense of purpose. We all need that. Where we find it is what makes us unique.
As I explained to a friend; we all see the colour blue, we know the colour blue, but how sure are we that what we call blue is the same as what the next person sees.
I came to dislike church as an establishment when I began to realise that people make up church and people are not sure of anything. They would love to be sure, and when they find that surety for themselves they tend to want to force it upon others not realising that there are other ways to experience that same surety in a multitude of ways.
Hence I became agnostic in my beliefs.
I respect all religions and hope one day the world could come to a point where we see the pettiness of our differences. There are things bigger than us, much bigger than the constant wars we create for ourselves. Out there(or within us) is a universal constant that can tie it all together. I believe it is obvious, but we are just not ready as a collective to accept it as truth.

As an agnostic:

I do not believe:
- In prayer as a solo tool for the drive of change. Prayer in a traditional sense can be misused. Prayer can be idle and in all honesty time consuming if done with idle intent. Actions are more guaranteed and bring tangible results. I pray, but not as a means to speak to a singular higher power as such, more of a means of meditation and deep thought with the end result to be changed behaviour. Once behaviour changes, actions resulting from that change of behaviour implemented will bring about the desired result.
- In a God as most religions perceive Him to be. Yes I am aware the Bible says and history and scholars and and...but to rely on one source of info disregards what others believe with equal strength of conviction. Any argument in favour of is only a tool for segregation...and has segregation ever been favourable to everyone?
- People are wrong. There is no wrong or right, just actions and consequences. If what you believe helps you find fulfillment then I am all for it but one has to consider the greater whole of existence and where what you stand for, fits in to that.
- Churches are the only source for enlightenment. In this day and age we are no longer bound to singular sources of information. If the cat poster on your office wall inspires you in alignment with your belief, what is a church? Churches have more become a place to fulfill our needs as social beings when the "Word" as some may call it can be found in a leaf floating by in a lake, in the story of a stranger or that motivational page you subscribe to on social network...one must just be open to receive. Even more so in this day and age where churches are primarily more business establishments than hubs for spiritual upliftment.

I do believe:

- We are insignificant. For some this is a scary thought, for me it just means we have been granted a huuuuge playground of infinite possibilities. Yes and I do mean granted. Granted to us by our parents who reproduced us, and to them by the ones before them and so on and so on...up until the point where it all began; whether you believe God,the Big Bang or the result of some alien life form who used our planet as a jerk-off tissue. Either way we are here to make the best of it.
- In spirituality as the unexplained. As for above-mentioned reason there are things we do not know, things we do not understand and may never. The evidence for me lies in mathematics; infinity tells me there are numbers we will never be able to count to, or rather we can count them but they may never cease. If each number is seen as a new experience...does that not excite you!? Imagine the first time you fell in love, the first time you tasted your favourite food, your first orgasm...now imagine while you are still alive to be able to experience more such sensations. Death is certain yes but while we are alive why should we limit ourselves so often with so many new experiences available, an infinite number to be exact.
- In the transfer of energy. As a matter of scientific fact, energy is only transferable, never destroyed. With that in mind I do believe that energy is a universal currency and where it is spent is where the returns lie. Energy is infinite, we are conduits of energy, therefore we have the power to be infinite beyond our physical manifestations. We strive to control this energy when the understanding that lies in our lack of control may be part of the key. In this I believe that death is not the end and should not be treated that way, death is but a mere release...where our spiritual energies are more free to transfer without physical constraint.

As much as I chose to be agnostic there could be arguments saying I was created this way by circumstance, either way...this is part of who I am now. I respect you for what you choose to believe or not. I do not prove to be better than you nor worse off. I do however believe we both can acknowledge life is a precious and brief experience, why spend it fighting how we should experience it when we could achieve so much more together just experiencing all that we can, while we have the time to do so.