On feeling "broken".

Hey guys.

Been a while and a lot has happened but for this post I would like to focus on "feeling broken". I use this term for now to generalize the feelings of uncertainty, uselessness and indifference that often leads to anxiety, isolation and in most cases depression. Of course no person is "broken" and we are all special and unique in our own way but in the shoes of someone who often finds them self filled with doubt and uncertainty, by comparison we do tend to feel less functional as individuals, but let me elaborate.

My dear son Riley has recently been diagnosed with acute ADHD, which we as parents did not just accept at first glance and run with. We made sure to educate ourselves and get more than one professional opinion. We hesitated for about a year to put him on medication and we went through due process with diligence and a healthy dash of scrutiny. All stemming from complaints at school about disruptive behavior during class and a general lack of attention even thou his marks were not reflective of this at all. Digging deeper we found that many of his symptoms do correspond with classic ADHD cases and his behavior at home was also reflective of this.

We tend to be very supportive parents and try to create a home environment of stability, nurturing and individual expression. Emphasis on try, no guidelines can prepare any parent to succeed A plus. In an ever changing world, what might have worked in the past could fail miserably today. All that can happen is for us to try and be progressive and keep an open mind. Fortunately for us we have all the resources and make use of every accessible option at our disposal.

4 key symptoms of ADHD include:
-Inattentiveness
-Hyperactivity
-Impulsivity
-Distractibillity

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/key-symptoms-signs-adhd

Take note that these are just a few symptoms and professional diagnosis is needed to ascertain if any child or adult has ADHD. I have also found many helpful articles and videos on the subject which are easily available on the internet and Youtube during my research and will leave some links below.

With that being said the more we looked into my son and ADHD, the more I started to reflect on my own behavior and have always seen myself in him. Forgetful, easily distracted, lack of attention if not personally interested and general lack of content. Research also suggests that ADHD is a hereditary condition predominantly passed along from the male side. This began to make me question weither I too may have had a similar condition only to be left undiagnosed all these years. My incessant fidgeting, restlessness, constant boredom and general lack of interest in anything that did not interest me seems to make sense now. Thou this is pure speculation at this stage. I have been consulting with a few professional practitioners and have yet to be formerly assessed but this brings me to the feeling of brokenness.

Having never truly been able to commit to a single hobby, interest or even relationship for long periods of time it certainly would explain my feelings of inadequacy and alienation. Albeit on the outside it appears I am well-adjusted and can navigate life. (This is mostly thankful to my wife who bares most of the burdens in our household of adulthood with grace and passion.) Deep inside has always been a hurricane of turmoil, guilt, judgement, blame and doubt, that ultimately, by comparison has left me feeling like a broken person. History of substance abuse, anxiety and mild depression has at times led me to isolation and reclusiveness. I have reached a point where I am tired of being tired. There has to be a reason for me being this way. At this point I am not running with ADHD, it is by no means up to me to say but it does answer so many questions.

Point being that blind acceptance of ones flaws and faults, especially within comparison to others could be fatal. Practice diligence and be open to the notions that everything has a logical and often medical explanation. The child who will not stop talking, jumping, running and daydreaming is after all not just naughty or needs discipline. Adults who seem fidgety, undecided, chaotic, untidy and generally muddled are not always "broken". Not saying anyone needs fixing either, like a puzzle piece we just need to have our dimensions examined carefully and find our own place in the bigger scheme of things. We do fit, we just cannot be forced to fit into anyone else's picture but our own.

I will try to update on progress in due time and actually have a backlog of things I have been meaning to share. Thank you for reading for now thou and do feel free to let me know what your thoughts are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiwZQNYlGQI&index=2&t=0s&list=LLNk3R3LBl96au7c0Ksa7XLA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU6o2_UFSEY&index=1&t=0s&list=LLNk3R3LBl96au7c0Ksa7XLA